Therefore, when you have some frictions with your child or face challenging behaviour, it’s most likely a signal that your relationship account is in red. Have a think about what contributed to this overdraft? What can you do to refill the relationship account with your child? Special time My son recently turned 2 and it seemed overnight, he became easily frustrated and had a hard time calming down. There have also been times where he would not listen to me (like running away in public), and our time together would become a battle. I just knew there had to be a better way, but wasn't sure what to do. I've always considered myself (or aspired to be) a "peaceful parent," but that's not how I grew up, so I wasn't sure what to model for him. Well, this book has given me the tools and it's been an eye-opener! It's an easy read, and it explains so much! Instead of reacting to everything, PAUSE (the book tells you how, ha ha)! I've noticed a major difference in just a week--with myself, my marriage, and my son! Now, I get to be the parent I've always wanted to be: one who really enjoys her child and has internal peace. I always admired those moms at church who had 8 kids and seemed unfazed by the little things. Here I have one child, and couldn't seem to center myself. This book has been it for me! Being a peaceful parent can be achieved, fellow Moms and Dads! A few last thoughts, this is not a “Christian book.” However, it focuses on selfless love, grace (although she doesn’t use that word) and relationship over forced/detached obedience, which I believe aligns with Scripture.

b) Raising A Child Who Wants to Behave. This section is about what Dr Laura calls “loving guidance,” the alternative to punishment. It’s about helping kids become self-disciplined using empathic limits instead of punishment. Fear may be an effective motivator in the moment, but it becomes less effective over time, while love become more effective (182). There are some great sections about setting empathic limits, alternatives to consequences, and helping kids make amends. Imagine that your relationship with your child has an emotional bank account. All the positive experiences, loving and affirming interactions create a positive balance (hence, fostering connection). When we have less than optimal interactions with a child, our account dips into the red. Fostering Connection. This section is all about your relationship with your kids. It begins by discussing healthy attachment, the necessity of quality AND quantity time, and how to manage the busyness of everyday life while connecting deeply. I love the explanation of the child’s “emotional bank account” and all of the practical ways to connect daily. I’ve started doing Special Time with my son and it is now one of our favorite times of the day. Other helpful sections are about how to have smooth morning and bedtime routines, how to be a good listener, how to get your child to listen, and how to get out of a negative rut. If you are looking for a very practical book on positive parenting, Calm Parents, Happy Kids is a great start. Here Dr Laura Markham introduces an approach to parenting that eliminates threats, power struggles and manipulation in favour of setting limits with empathy and communication. Her big idea is that children’s behaviour only changes when their relationship with their parents changes. And this change is possible when we shift our perspective from controlling our children to coaching them. The best way to help a child experience mastery is to respectfully observe him, so we see where he needs support and then build scaffolding in those places.”This book has been so helpful for my husband and I as parents. I read about half of it when my son was very young, but recently decided to start over and finish it. I am so glad that I did! I have been using Dr. Markham's techniques to calm myself & my often strong willed child. Growing up with parents that more often than not, yelled, spanked, threatened & used consequences to get me to behave still has left scars on me. This is not how I wanted to parent my child. Fear works to make a child obey, that's exactly how I was, obedient & yes I turned out "ok" but was always scared of my parents growing up & were the last people I confided in with my problems. The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn’t work to teach children better behaviour. In fact, studies show that punishment creates more bad behaviour. Not just that children who behave badly get punished more, but that children who get punished more will behave badly more often over time.”

Parent consciously. That means pay attention to your “triggers” – what your child does that makes you feel angry and frustrated? That will be a red flag that there is an unresolved issue from your childhood. (For example, a messy home is a big trigger for me!) The beginning of this book had me really thinking of the Seinfeld episode where George's dad listened to some relaxation tapes that told him to say, "serenity now," every time he felt his blood pressure get too high. By the end of the episode all the yelling, "serenity now," turns to pent up emotions and the saying becomes, "serenity now, insanity later." I kind of worried and laughed a bit as I listened to this book that all the calming breaths and peaceful demeanor in dealing with young children would turn into insanity later!

There are so many things I enjoyed about this book. First, while Dr. Laura does not talk down to the reader, she doesn't present information in some esoteric, can't-wrap-your-brain-around-it way either. She is clear and gentle, yet effective in the research and methodology she outlines in the book. Basically, she speaks to your heart in a way that gets it to open up without making you feel horrible about your past shortcomings as a parent. It is truly amazing the tips this book doles out though. It says let the child lead the relationship emotionally. Yikes! It also gives many examples about why you shouldn't punish and turn things into playfulness to match underlying needs (don't get me started on how need fulfillment doesn't align with her other claims that kids are just trying to learn boundaries). One great example is if your kid were to say, look you in the eyes and throw food, you should drop what you're doing and play with them for 1-2 minutes because what they really need is connection with their parents and that will fix the problem. Um, hell no. You know what the kid learns from that? When I throw food, my parents will stop their busy schedule, give me attention and play with me! There are dozens of similar examples in this book and if you put on heavy enough blinders you can nod along with her conclusions but otherwise you may find yourself reaching for advil to deal with idiocy. I honestly wondered throughout this book if there was ever any editors involved to counter her crazy theories. In the book, Laura gives many age-appropriate strategies on how you can help your child develop mastery, so definitely grab the book! Action steps for you: I dunno, it's entirely possible that Section 3 has awesome advice too, but I just can't bring myself to read on. This book guilted me hard (hard enough to make me cry, actually) for not being maternally loving enough to conjure more than 24 hours out of every day, or for sometimes wanting to talk to my husband after six hours alone with the kids.

All parenting starts with re-parenting our inner child. Sometimes, we feel that we don’t want to raise our kids the same way as our parents raised us, but some particular behaviours just start popping up (like nagging, yelling, punishing, etc.), and it seems we have no control over it. That’s because some reactions and behavioural patterns were installed in our brains in our childhood, and if we want to break this cycle, we need to start with healing our own wounds. Mindfully. Here are a few practical ideas on how to do it: To truly be in charge means having the power to create lasting and continued growth, not just exerting power or demanding obedience. It means controlling yourself no matter what, so you can better influence your children to make good decisions. I’ll say that again: To be in charge as a parent means controlling yourself so you can influence your kids. This makes for a radical shift, a shift away from controlling your kids’ behavior. Your goal is not to control. Your goal is to influence. Remember, you are not responsible for your children’s responses. You want to continually hold up and respect their ability to make choices, even choices you disagree with. Unless they’re free to make their own choices, they can’t learn the connection between choices and consequences.” Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids might seem like a lengthy book at first glance but it is divided into three sections which makes it much easier to digest. Each section is broken down further into pointed topics which are designed to help you master peaceful parenting. The division of topics is perfect, giving the reader the opportunity to let the research, the advice, and the real-life application techniques a chance to soak in. We personally use many ideas from this book, and they really work! In these notes, we’ll share our favourite big ideas, but definitely grab the book for more (especially if you are a new parent).Foster connection . “Children need to feel deeply connected to their parents or they don’t feel entirely safe, and their brains don’t work well to regulate their emotions and follow parental guidance.” Children who feel connected to their parents are not only happier but also easier, as connection leads to cooperation.

I was impressed. The idea of no consequences, no punishment, is kind of hard to accept, especially because time-outs and losing privileges is the only thing that seems to work in our house. However, in this book, Dr. Laura explains how bad behavior stems from emotions that need to be processed, and our kids need us to HELP them do that. As I was finishing the book, my 2- and 5-year-olds were fighting over a car. The 5-year-old was riding and her brother wanted a turn. He went over to hit her and grab it away, which normally would have resulted in a huge fight between the two of them and a LOT of yelling from me. Instead, I went over, got down on his level, and said, "You're mad because Bailey's riding the car and you want a turn, right? It's hard to wait." He launched himself into my arms, cried, "Yeah!" and then calmly asked his sister if he could have a turn next. Then he went off to play happily until she was done. MIRACULOUS. There is also lots of info about anger and anxiety, games to play with your child, and “scripts” for different situations. Basically, LOVED this section! I mean... what? What kind of magical time-bending world does she live in? And how detached from the reality of mothers' lives, either working or SAHMs, is this? Being told that every second with your children has to be about them, and every second away from you damages them emotionally, but also that you have to magically find all this time for self-care? WTF?So many things in this book were almost uncanny in how they described my children, but I really struggled with the idea of removing consequences and time outs as a part of our parenting techniques. However, I have already seen differences in my kids after just a few days and I am happier as a mom. I can honestly say that today was the first day in a long time where I didn't feel emotionally exhausted at the days end and truly enjoyed being a mom! I recommend this book to any parent who wants to truly get to the root of the behavior problems with their kids.