This is because changing our behavior or avoiding tricky situations does not actually change our state of mind.

The papers that make up this collection have been assembled for the use of the serious student of Arbinger’s rich and robust philosophical underpinnings. Those justifications can lead to blaming other people, weaving negative stories and strengthening biases against others.

My self-justifying image about being learned can be the very thing that sometimes keeps me from learning. I can pick up any other psychology or spirituality book written from an academic standpoint and learn in 2 chapters what this book stretched out for 200 pages. However, it goes in much more depth with the profound effect it has on the environment around us to follow and not follow this common-sensical advice.

Changing other people: If you try to change others, you’re likely to provoke the opposite of what you want. Because we judge the needs of others as less real and important than our own, it is easy for us to start to think of them as mere objects. You either see people as they are—as people like you who have needs and desires as legitimate as your own—or you see them as objects. If an argument ensues, you will also see your own behavior as more reasonable and measured than your spouse’s. This has all kinds of negative effects, harming our relationships, work attitude and ability to lead others.The Arbinger Institute is a global consulting company comprising international and multidisciplinary scholars.