Typically the difficulty for both mothers and fathers is that they feel in the middle of everyone; pulled between their own needs for a relationship, their wish to be a good parent for their children, their guilt and grief for their children’s unhappiness and their new partners’ needs for special time with them, which can be in competition with their children’s needs. https://www.stowefamilylaw.co.uk/blog/2014/05/08/nearly-one-in-ten-children-live-in-a-stepfamily-ons-reports/

The women I interviewed for this all had their own children as well as being stepparents. I have worked therapeutically with many couples and have co-founded an organisation StepIn ASAP which is a group of therapists who work with people challenged by their stepfamily and who have themselves lived in similar situations. From these experiences I conclude that many of the problems people find in stepfamilies is because of the mix of relationships, histories and blood connections that they involve. Cohabitation may be something your family is not ready to handle, emotionally or financially. If possible, avoid relocating children until you have built a strong foundation for your marriage.When your stepchild does something out of hurt and anger, learn to forgive. Holding on to negativity will only impede your relationship. He entered the marriage with the responsibility of being a parent and his child should remain a priority. Promoting ways your husband can spend quality time with his child can earn you respect and strengthen your marriage. Living in a stepfamily can be difficult for everyone involved; for many years I have been thinking about what makes this the case, and what helps people living in these situations. Starting with my own stepfamily: I separated from my husband with whom I had two children, and met a man who had a son who became my partner. Therefore I was a mother and stepmother. After I completed my therapy training I was a counsellor on a stepfamily counselling helpline and in 2009 completed a doctoral research project, focusing on mothers in stepfamilies. Claire Asherson Bartram, a therapist in NW London, shares her insights from her research into mothers in stepfamilies

There are some useful books and resources available online. Including Patricia Papernow's Thriving and Surviving in a Stepfamily, StepIn ASAP, and StepLife Podcast – to be issued soon. Abandon any preconceived notions of how your life will be as a stepmom — and make way for reality. Trying to live up to some romanticized ideal will only cause disappointment. Do not assume the role as a parent liaison. You will create tension in your relationship with your husband if he feels you are undermining his authority as a parent.

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It feels different to be a stepparent than it does being a biological mother or father. Stepparents can feel that they are asked to slot into a situation that has no place for them as they have no past history with their stepchildren and ‘inherited’ with a new partner. The 2011 census identified '544,000 stepfamilies with children in the England and Wales This programme is interesting because, without glossing over problems it shows a family coming together. The relationships are honest, and many recognisable issues are discussed and faced. Most importantly it shows that finding a way to talk together and respect each other’s feelings helps all family members to adjust to their situation. Sometimes people need expert help for this, because when people are vulnerable, with emotions such as grief, anxiety and protectiveness are present it can be difficult to listen to each other.

There are not easy solutions to these problems. It is important for therapists to be aware that it takes time for a stepfamily to consolidate – the National Stepfamily Association used to say 2 – 7 years - and often there are difficulties along the way. Time is needed for many processes; for stepfamily members to get to know each other, to accept that their family is different than the family they imagined they might have, to grieve this and to find ways of living with the family that they now are. With time stepchildren and step parents can get used to each other, and find that they become more accepting of others presence. The people in a stepfamily most likely to come to me for guidance and therapeutic support are stepmothers. They often feel that they have no place in the family, that their partners will rush to make arrangements with their exes around childcare without consulting them, and that these often affect them. Additionally their stepchildren are almost like siblings to them, as they want attention from the same person, and often get it ahead of the stepparent. It is apparent that these situations can bring about some very difficult feelings. While most describe liking their children, they also long for alone time with their partners. This might be very different from how their partners feel, and conversations between the parent and stepparent can be difficult as both have things to say that the other finds hard to hear.His advice has sustained us many years later — and I have learned some valuable lessons about step-motherhood. 1. You must adjust your expectations. When the subject of stepfamilies is raised, many people automatically think of stepmothers, and are less likely to consider that for every stepchild there is a mother. In the modern stepfamily, where both parents are alive but living in different places, the biological parent is outside of the stepfamily group sharing his or her children. Inserting yourself into co-parenting drama can cause problems in your relationship with your stepchild. Support your husband from the sidelines, but let him deal with his ex.