The reality: Compassionate responding and mindful parenting does not mean “Disneyland-party-time-no-rules-no-boundaries-no-expectations.” It just means the implementation of rules, boundaries and expectations with compassion. Hold the line. Of course hold the line. Children today are desperate for someone to be in charge. But for goodness sake be kind. See (2) above RE: brain development. And see (3) above RE: connection-based power. And then deal with this like the adult you are. Put the boundary in place. Regulate your child over any upset they might have as a result of that through kindness and compassion. Help your child get started on cleaning up the walls, support them in this work if they are little, or get it cleaned up yourself if they are too small yet to be part of this. And then move on. They didn’t color on your walls to spite you (unless you have created this kind of relationship with them – in which case, it is on you to fix that up like yesterday). They did it because it looked cool and their brain wasn’t able to hold onto “but maybe this was a bad idea” alongside “wow this looks super cool” and actually implement some impulse control around the wall-coloring. See (1) above regarding development of pre-frontal cortex. So, I created my Facebook group Victorious Parenting and this resource to provide you with battle-tested strategies that will help you and your kids thrive. Hi, I'm Arabella Hille, author of the best-selling, Ultimate Guide Parenting series and Founder of Victorious Parenting. Parenting is tough but with the right tools it doesn’t have to be. Discover a natural way of encouraging good behavior that is both loving and effective. You deserve to feel empowered, in control and confident in your parenting. My minor complaint with this book is that it is at times overly wordy and gives too much information to use as action points. I'd have to make flashcards and memorize all these points. One part of the book had, I believe, nine "touchstones" that you are supposed to go through in a particular scenario. But a lot of parenting books are like that so it is a minor thing.

The retort: So you are trying to tell me that if my kid colors on all of my walls, I’m just supposed to love them and be all kind to them? But as development happens and their capacity for self-control increases, and our relationship with them is intact, they'll desire to want to do our bidding. Neuroplasticity [the brain's ability to change throughout life] reinforces connections that allow that kind of regulated brain to become a more permanent thing. So eventually the child's capacity for self-regulation and control increases. Whatever the cause, we got lost. We, as a dominant culture, are in a time of generally and utterly misunderstanding the needs of children, the form of child development, and the way this must play out in our leadership role as parents for our children to have a fulfilling shot at this thing called life. Of course, there are those that walk amongst the masses who have worked to maintain a conscious awareness and/or an intuitive understanding of children. But collectively, we don’t get it. Discover the important steps you can take now to prevent destructive behaviors from becoming ingrained in your child.

Discover a new connection-based approach to discipline

Disciplining Without Damage is not about trying to remain calm 24/7 or denying the range of emotions you experience. It's about moving towards positive leadership and gaining the right tools to become an empowered parent who is in control without being controlling.

In this easy-to-read, science-based book, parents, caregivers and big people of all kinds will discover how discipline affects children’s development, why intervention should reinforce connection not separation, and why the disciplinary strategies that may have been used on us as children are not the ones that children really need. In addition, you’ll learn:

All the building blocks of your nonfiction book in one handy reference guide.

The good news is, that this does not have to be your reality. In this chapter, you will become aware of what is going on behaviorally and how to avoid going off the edge with everyone else. This chapter will empower you to do something different in your parenting than the masses. You will learn the keys to cultivating a culture of success in your home so that you too can experience the peace and freedom you deserve in your home! In reality, discipline is about connecting with your children in their time of need. We provide that support through our connection with them, that calms and steadies and regulates them – and then we give some teaching about what we hope will be able to change about that reaction the next time around. Not that we expect [that it] actually will change!

What don’t we get? Well, let’s take a good look at some of the most common retorts and remarks that will be offered up in response to any kind of suggestion around compassionate parenting, especially when it comes to discipline.I have mixed feelings about this book. As a whole, yes, it is helpful. I agree with a lot of the "big picture" ideas. The author is advocating attachment parenting, setting firm limits while allowing the child's reactions to those limits and putting a primary focus on spending quality time with the child and strengthening the child-parent emotional bond. All great stuff. One plus I will say is that compared to another, similar author I read (Laura Markham who wrote the forward in this book by the way) the scripts given in this book are shorter, more realistic when put into practice. Discover how to discipline successfully without losing control. Learn a natural way of encouraging good behavior that is both loving and effective. You deserve to feel empowered and confident in your parenting. Are you tired of defiant behavior and the endless cycle of yelling and nagging? Parenting is challenging but doesn’t have to be with the right tools. Instead, discover a natural way of encouraging good behavior that is both loving and effective. You deserve to feel empowered, in control, and confident in your parenting. Gain more positive energy to give to your child and the other loved ones in your life (including yourself). The reality: Absolutely correct on the point that kids need to know who is in charge. However, is an adult who is holding a line very firmly but very kindly not in charge? And what is the difference in terms of the impact on child development between that kind of an adult, and an adult who holds the line firmly using fear tactics and brute force? The difference is enormous. Like life-altering enormous. Parents who hold lines with firmness AND kindness, are both showing the child the way of the world AND sculpting neural pathways that promote self-regulation. Parents who hold lines with loudness, anger, shouting, yelling, and brute force actually disregulate children further, potentially robbing them of the opportunity to become capable of self-regulation and disposing them to all sorts of vulnerabilities in terms of mental health challenges as life marches on. The parent who is both firm and kind is a parent who is operating from a place of power derived from relationship and emotional connection. The parent who is muscling their way through with fear and force is operating from a place of role-based power, derived only from their position as a big person.

The retort: That is exactly the same thing as helicopter parenting, and we all know that is bad for kids! When your child is threatening a meltdown in the grocery aisle, it really is possible to keep your cool, get the behaviour turned around, and support healthy development, all at the same time! My practical results-driven programs have positively impacted the lives of over 70,000 caregivers globally, helping them to bring out the best in their children.No more power struggles. Improve communication, connection and decrease defiance. Gain more positive energy to give to your child and the other loved ones in your life - including yourself. The retort: Do you think when this child is an adult, their boss is going to treat them all nice if they screw up at their job? As a practicing registered psychologist, advisor to various research programs and community agencies, and through her previous experiences with the BC Ministry for Child and Family Development and the school system, Dr. Vanessa has seen it all and has navigated hundreds of tough situations with families. Drawing on scientific research and a wealth of clinical experience, she shows you how to put out the fire without dampening your child’s spirits; how to correct their behaviour while emphasising connection; and how to discipline without damage.