The thing I don’t get about paedophilia… Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?” – Frankie Boyle Some other filthy jokes: I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long It goes without saying that the following contains some strong language, and very adult humour) Some fruity lines from rude comedians: I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria WoodA man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny." Five people have been found guilty of conspiracy to supply millions of pounds worth of counterfeit Viagra. You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.” – Sara Pascoe

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” – Russell Howard Two sperms are having a race, one sperm says, "My arms are killing me with all this swimming, are we near the womb?"

The doctor said...

From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.” – Sarah Millican So they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're starting to get worried