Twentysomethings who don't feel anxious and incompetent at work are usually overconfident or underemployed.” A “must-read” ( The Washington Post ) funny and practical guide to help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams.

I'm reaching my mid-twenties, just starting a career, and this book is just what I needed to hear. Meg Jay provides great insights about what twentysomething life is like, she understands the struggles that we are going through and offers great practical advice. Jay’s advice: Set some goals that matter to you and work towards them. Whether their professional, personal, or social. Do the Math First off, I expected to hate The Defining Decade. Which does beg the question as to why I was reading it, but never mind that. I feared that the book would read like one giant "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG" to me, a single, 28-year-old law clerk living at home while I continue the search for a more permanent position. I suspect Dr. Jay would tell me that I am doing a few things "wrong," at least in the sense of not furthering my goals, but I also learned I have probably done at least a few things right. Most importantly, the book offers some guidance as to how to set things right, and it didn't make me feel like I'd run out of time to make changes simply because I'm approaching 30. Ms. Flowers and Ms. Liddy’s story is, like so many described in “The Defining Decade,” both particular in its mishaps and broadly resonant. They were told by teachers while they were growing up that they had what it took to achieve theatrical stardom; Ms. Liddy recalled a sense that her whole hometown thought she would end up on Broadway. In college, they threw themselves into auditioning for shows. Then Covid arrived and tossed their professional plans askew. Both podcast hosts related, they said, to Dr. Jay’s descriptions of being unmoored. Our “thirty-is-the-new-twenty” culture tells us the twentysomething years don’t matter. Some say they are an extended adolescence. Others call them an emerging adulthood. In The Defining Decade, Meg Jay argues that twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misunderstanding, much of which has trivialized the most transformative time of our lives.She is a clinical assistant professor at the University of Virginia and maintains a private practice in Charlottesville, Virginia. Love goes into the importance of taking dating seriously in your 20s, compatibility with possible in-laws, how to make sure "living together" isn't harmful, and choosing the right partner.

The crazy anxiety many people in their 20s have makes them constantly fear being broken up with, fired, dropped. This can lead them to quit or end relationships themselves so that they don’t get surprised. People think that the minute something goes wrong, they’re going to get fired, but jobs aren’t that fragile. Neither are relationships. Along the way, I got a couple new jobs which have opened up my eyes to the real world and got my heart broken for the first time, and thats when I began to drift and lose my way. I gave up timelines, thinking that they would get screwed up anyways and decided to just live in the now. Now at 28, I feel like I've just gotten my bearings again and I'm starting to re-focus and figure out what it is I want - and need - now that the thirtysomething years are creeping towards me. In one way or another, almost every twentysomething client I have wonders, 'Will things work out for me?' The uncertainty behind that question is what makes twentysomething life so difficult, but it is also what makes twentysomething action so possible and so necessary. It's unsettling to not know the future and, in a way, even more daunting to consider that what we are doing with our twentysomething lives might be determining it.”oh, by the way, Dr. Jay, I can't have children at all. I'm 22, and I have a nonexistent uterine lining, through no fault of my own. So I fail to see how your preaching can be applied to everyone, that we all need to "hurry up and make some babies!" There are countless women with PCOS and other diseases who can't have children at all, even if they'd like to. Age is NOT the only factor for infertility, and from reading this book, you'd think it was the main reason.)

Couples who live together before marriage tend to be less satisfied with marriage, and more likely to divorce. The professional and personal angst of directionless twentysomethings is given a voice and some sober counsel in this engaging guide. While Jay maintains that facing difficulties in one's 20s 'is a jarring--but efficient and often necessary--way to grow, ' the author is sincere and sympathetic, making this well-researched mix of generational sociology, psychotherapy, career counseling, and relationship advice a practical treatise for a much-maligned demographic.-- Publishers Weekly That said, I do think there is something to be learned from the social comparisons we notice ourselves making. Are you envying something you would like to have for yourself, and does this say something about where you should start? Can you think less about what others are doing and think more about your vision for yourself? Identify two things you would like to have accomplished in one year or in two years, and compare your progress to your own goals. The very day I read this book, The Billfold had a blog posting critiquing Jay's work, and between the review of Mike Dang (The Billfold) and Goodreads reviewer 'M' (below), I don't have much to add to their comments. There is a certain terror that goes along with saying “My life is up to me.” It is scary to realize there’s no magic, you can’t just wait around, no one can really rescue you, and you have to do something.”Going along with that, the examples she uses all fit the same boring mold - these people are young, attractive, and have SO. MUCH. POTENTIAL iftheycouldonlyseetheerroroftheirways! D: This book didn't apply to me because I'm in my mid/late 20s and/or have my life together already and/or I already knew all the advice given." Like, maybe some people out there never made decisions about having children because they thought they'd never meet anyone. (Yes, this is an actual belief that people hold.) Wow, by the time they actually "married", it was too late to have children. Are they still at fault? This book isn't a step by step guide. It won't go into how to systematically meet guys/girls, get over depression, or how to do well on an interview. There are plenty of books on getting into the details. Instead, this is a thought provoking book aimed against the popular twenty something zeitgeist today that, "we can do anything", "there's always time", and "I have until 30 to get my life together." Not to mention the million other stories we tell ourselves like, "I'm never going to get good at this", "It's better to wait rather than choose", or "Everyone on Facebook is doing better than me." In a sense, this book is like "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" to personal finance. They are paradigm shifting books that sweep away the false assumptions and beliefs we acquired from our childhood and culture and replace them with solid, real principles on how reality works. This book isn't going to do the heavy lifting for you, only you can do that. This book is the starting point to begin living one's twenties with drive, clarity, and purpose. My only real issue with the book is that it's too future oriented. Yes, it's important to plan for upcoming events, but at the same time, if you're not enjoying your life now or you're so stressed about the future, you can't realize what's in front of you and something's not quite right. I wish Jay would've spent a bit more time talking about the past, present, and future, but she didn't really connect them too much. She sort of blames twentysomethings for being too present oriented, which is funny 'cause I'm twenty and think she's too future oriented to the point where she forgets to tell people to enjoy their current situations. I think her book would have a better tone if she said something along the lines of, "Hanging out is nice and it's important to treasure your friends, but don't forget you still have future goals to achieve. To achieve them, you need to make sure you're taking steps in that direction earlier in your life rather than later."