Day breaks and night falls 81. The accountant testified “the attorney is my brother,” but, the attorney testified that he did not have a brother. Who is lying? She fell off the bottom rung. 7. What starts with “e” and ends with “e” but only has one letter in it? My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I’m just worried she’s going to dehydrate” Kerri Godliman (2008) I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that.” Rory O’Keeffe (2016) I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off.” William Andrews (2018)

If a monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree, who will get the banana first? My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up ‘Wait until your dad gets home’. ‘Wait until your dad gets home, we’ll have a chat introduce you and see if he’ll start paying maintenance'” Hayley Ellis (2016) My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17 year old defendant, who hasn’t been named’.” Jenny Collier (2016) My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” Sarah Millican (2011) Sarah Millican performed her show Throughly Modern Millican in 2011 (Photo: BBC)

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Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.” Paul Savage (2017) A 10-foot rope ladder hangs over the side of a boat with the bottom rung on the surface of the water. The rungs are one foot apart, and the tide goes up at the rate of 6 inches per hour. How long will it be until three rungs are covered?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. I think jokes about learning difficulties are OK so long as they’re clever’ is like saying ‘I think jokes about blind people are OK so long as they’re visual’” Brendon Burns (2013) Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food was good, but there really wasn’t much atmosphere. I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldn’t call yourself ‘anti-feminism’ would you? You’d call yourself ‘Uncle Feminism’.” Jenny Collier (2016) I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” Hayley Ellis (2012)An electric train has no smoke. 79. How is it possible for every single person to die in a plane crash but two people survived?

Breath. 31. Two mothers and two daughters went out to eat, everyone ate one slice of pizza, yet only three slices were eaten. How’s that possible? Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time.” Rhys James (2015) Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.” – Harry Hill A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” – Peter Kay I learned about method acting at drama school, when all my classmates stayed in character as posh, patronising twats for the entire three years I was there.” Bridget Christie (2015)In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me.” Daniel Audritt (2018) A ton. 59. A girl leaves home and turns left three times, only to return home facing two guys wearing masks. Who are the two guys? Nothing. 12. A cowboy rode into town on Friday. He stayed in town for three days and rode out on Friday. How is that possible? Seven (take away the ‘s’ and it becomes ‘even’). 30. I’m light as a feather, but not even the strongest girl can hold me for more than 5 minutes. What am I? Neither one because the accountant was his sister. 82. Uncle Ray’s farm had a terrible storm hit and now all but seven sheep were killed. How many sheep are left alive?