Nevertheless, this book is a welcome addition to any home that includes a cat who needs to be educated not just about gun safety, but also about other dangers like evolution, pre-marital sex, the internet, drugs, puberty, the apocalypse, and, of course, Satanism. HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CAT ABOUT GUN SAFETY manages to channel the survivalist, gun-hoarding, Alex Jones-watching mentality of people who would actually probably try to train their pets to shoot weapons. I didn't even think people like this existed outside of the internet until I was out running errands in the central valley and I saw a man wearing an oregone pyramid on top of a MAGA hat, with an Info Wars shirt, and what appeared to be a necrotic left toe. And then I was like holy shit. He was even holding his phone in one of those EMF protection bags. I guess in case the CNN satellites that are definitely targeting him decide to count the number of hate crimes in his web history, idk. Have you ever tried talking to your cat about gun safety? If not, it’s time to start. As a responsible pet owner, it’s up to you to teach them the dangers of guns in the home. Cats are curious by nature and will often try to get into places where they shouldn’t be: closets, drawers, cabinets and more. They can get into all kinds of trouble if they come across a loaded weapon or ammunition lying around your house. We’re going to show you how this conversation should go down so that both parties involved stay safe during this process! Take a deep breath

How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinenc… How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinenc…

oh, and that's another thing - there will be puns. so many italicized puns. "now" becomes " meow," "paws" becomes " pawse," "moment" becomes " meowment," there's " pawsitively," " catastrophe," " purrfect," "pro catstinate," "pre pawsterous" (or, alternately, " purrposterous)," " furget," " mewlitias," " purrtriot," "a mewsing," " furocious," " purroblem," " purrpared," "mis purrception," " purrtect," " purrecipice, " furment," " furget," " purrvent," " mewraculous," " purrspective," " furminist," etc etc etc etc as far as masturbation goes, Some cats excel and redirect their sexual energies toward Jesus and being good, hardworking citizens, whereas others fail and want nothing more in life than to bat at their genitals as if they were a ball of yarn. Long gone are the good old days when a cat’s biggest worries were mean dogs or a bath. Modern cats must confront satanists, online predators, the possibility of needing to survive in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and countless other threats to their nine lives. While the sheer volume of cats ensnared by games such as this one is a testament to how addictive online games can be, the greatest danger is not the possibility of addiction, or even the threat posed by the many sexual predators who use the games to meet unsuspecting kittens. No, the danger is that these games frequently have strong elements of fantasy and magic, which are used to indoctrinate innocent cats to the teachings of Satanism! We have seen reports that players in World of Warcat can cast spells, summon demons, and participate in virtual orgies with goat-legged satyrs. Let your cat play these games at their peril: once your cat begins using magic to invoke foul abyssal beings online, it is only a matter of time before they’ll be doing the same in real life!”

the evolution (or rather, evilution) chapter was a little weak. the presentation of the gun safety one was pretty spot-on in terms of arguments actual gun enthusiasts use to make their points, but this one was a little more tinfoil hat in its delivery, so it was less a mewsing as parody (see how contagious these puns are?): One trendy “religion” that is rapidly gaining in popularity is the cult of Wicca. In actuality, Wicca is merely watered-down Satanism, luring foolish young women with liberal arts degrees into lesbian covens where they worship a goddess and their menses.” It is frequently said that curiosity killed the cat, but what is often left unsaid is that the actual cause of death was the improper discharge of a firearm by a poorly trained feline. Cats are inquisitive creatures, no doubt about it. They are going to explore every nook and cranny of your home. And if you keep a firearm in your place of residence (which you should), it is only a matter of time before your cat discovers it. Pawse for a meowment to think about which scenario you would rather have play out:

How To Talk To Your Cat About Gun Safety - Goodreads

How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety, by Zachary Auburn, is a collection of pamphlets on how to prepare your cat for just about everything - gun safety, satanism, drugs, the end of the world, and more. The book is a satire on guides such as this and right wing conservatism, but has some pretty great laugh out loud moments. It's a little weird when reading these pamphlets, as I was left wondering if the writer believes his rhetoric, but there is enough nonsensical statements in there that are contradictory to prove otherwise. the internet one is pretty straightforward - warnings against cybercriminals and identity theft, online gaming, driving while texting, pornography, cyberbullying by one of the evil, traitorous birds who spy on America for their European overlords…. it's not particularly imaginative. however, there is one part worth calling out: cats are also routinely possessed by demons, but it's hard to pinpoint the presence of a supernatural invader: and there's good, practical advice to be extracted: Instead of presenting your cat with a toy mouse to play with, have your cat bat around the iodine tablets he'll use to purify tainted water. Rather than having your kitten chase around a laser pointer, teach her how to hotwire an abandoned car. while posing a potentially serious threat to your cat’s safety, should not be met with lethal force. In many cases it will suffice merely to maim the intruder. Just because your cat is the cutest little cutie-pie in the world does not mean they possess the higher brain functions and powers of reasoning necessary to decide the fate of every criminal who crosses your threshold.Going into heat is the cat version of getting a period; essentially, it's how God punishes girl cats for Eve's sin in the Garden of Eden. Just like a human woman, cats in heat will behave in erratic or irrational ways as their brain becomes addled with female hormones. If you find your cat playing with a gun, immediately remove the gun from your cat's reach and store it in a secure place. Keep your cat away from the gun and seek professional help if necessary. How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety Review: A Recap if there is one hard-and-fast rule on this topic, it's this: under no circumstances should you provide your cat with a gun equipped with a laser scope, as your cat is likely to be more interested in the dot it makes than in the deer, burglar, or communist in their sights.

How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety [pdf] full download How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety

On talking to your cat about on-line dangers (and purrnography isn’t the only danger lurking there): Be aware of your body language and tone of voice when talking to your cat about gun safety. Cats are sensitive to our emotions, so they may not understand why you’re so concerned if you come across as angry or sarcastic when explaining gun safety rules.and finally...satanism. basically, satan is everywhere, in every form of entertainment, lurking around every corner. But there’s also a whole pamphlet dedicated to Satanism. This is a real danger to your feline friend(s). One important note:

How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence

this is more like a transcript of a crazy subway preacher than a parody of conservative propaganda. although i appreciate the warning about the "deceitful tweets of birds."

1. Understanding the Importance of Gun Safety for Your Cat

But this book collects several pamphlets from The American Association of Patriots and you won’t be disappointed with the info that can be gleaned from this book. This is pretty much a one-joke book, the joke being that we can make minor changes to extreme conservative values and apply them to something completely silly like talking to your cat about the dangers of catnip. It’s a fun joke gift (which is how I got it) that you can use either to amuse your liberal friends or piss of your conservative friends. The choice is yours!