Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

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I was like, “You need to leave, you literally no longer care about, you care about the people, but you don’t actually care about the job.” And, really, at the height of my career, I mean I was running the New York operations for a bicoastal talent agency. I quit my job and went to… and I really applied to one school. I applied to NYU to get my master’s because I was like, “Listen I’m not going to Ohio, like I’ve been living in New York, I’m not… if I don’t get into NYU, then maybe it’s not meant to be.” Apparently it was and then I got accepted and I was like, “Oh, my God, now I have to go, you can’t not go, right?”

But he didn’t even say, “Why?” He wasn’t even like, “That makes no sense at all.” Because in a way it doesn’t. it's no wonder then that grown women struggle to set boundaries. Even now, women are told that they can multi-task and men can't: therefore they can do more, juggling busy jobs, kids, and housework, whereas men can only focus on one thing. Whoever invented this lie (and I'm pretty sure it was a man!) needs a medal for "Excellence in Marketing" - selling women the story that they can do it all and have it all, leaving women exhausted trying to please everyone and themselves; while men get off lightly because they (poor things!) can't multi-task. Leaving them more time to do what they want to do. The author has personal experience of boundary issues, as well as being a psychotherapist and realising that most of her clients have boundary issues. This is can be very difficult for women. There's still this stigma around asking for what you're worth. The same with entrepreneurs in their own business. I can't tell you how many of my clients say they haven't raised my prices in five years. They don't want their clients to think they’re greedy. However, we have to have proactive boundaries in place. And one of the things that has really been so freeing for me, you might know this, Terri, because we’re friends, but for those listening who may not, you know, actually most of them should know this. I’m not that real big on social media in terms of like, I don’t spend much time there generally speaking. It’s like very not a big part of my life and I love it. Because I think that’s probably one of the places where people have the shittiest boundaries. And I can witness things.

Just that notion that healing can come from having the courage to ask for what you want authentically and, again, not like Jersey Marie coming through, like, “Hey, this is how it’s got to be.” Right?

Terri Cole: And actually when you think about when you master anything, when you get to the end of this journey, you’re actually doing it with ease and grace, and when appropriate, love, because it won’t always be appropriate. Like, it could be your boss, you don’t have to be so loving, but you know what I’m saying?I’m like, “Y’all think that’s okay to say to some that you really…” Just, it’s kind of mind-blowing. So I love this book for that as well, to be able to take care of yourself in a really healthy way while we are living in this modern society where there are so many inputs, you know, that you’re choosing to participate in. But, yeah, so I’ll stop there and see if there’s anything you want to add. If you are doing work that is not yours, stop. If you're working overtime or you’re letting your vacation days accrue instead of taking them, stop. By doing these things, you are telling people how to treat you in all ways. Our relationship with ourselves sets the bar. If you don't think that you're valuable enough to rest, that’s a problem. Where are you over-giving? If you want to know where you're overdoing these things, think about the people you work with and then gauge your resentment level. It was a new feature, and it was being added to the book at the last minute. I didn’t have many or good examples, and there wasn’t much of a description for why we needed this new surface type aside from, “It allows curvature continuity and treats profiles and guide curves the same.”

manipulation: flip the scripts, get upset of your small actions (e.g. they yell at you and accused you of lying when you mis told information), invalidate your feelings, Terri Cole: So you don’t need to invest in your boundaries in the same way with Bob from accounting as you would your partner. Finally, boundary bosses create a personal “bill of rights.” As in, you have the right to say no or yes to others without feeling guilty. You have the right to make mistakes, to course-correct, or to change your mind. You have the right to negotiate for your preferences, desires, and needs. You have the right to express and honor all of your feelings if you so choose. You have the right to voice your opinion, even if others disagree. You have the right to be treated with respect, consideration, and you have the right to determine who has the privilege of being in your life. You're the bouncer of your life, so put up that velvet rope. You have the right to communicate your boundary limits and deal-breakers. You have the right to prioritize your self-care without feeling selfish, which is a huge one for women. You have the right to talk, to be seen, and to live free. But in what you remember and the emotional impression and the neural pathways, when your attention is somewhere else, you will not remember that experience in the same way. So why are we distracting ourselves from our one and only life this time around? For what? To see what Reese Witherspoon, who I love, is talking about like, I don’t know. I feel like it can wait.

I’ve read several books about boundaries and I thought that the information conveyed was given in a simplistic and easy to understand manner. Some reviewers were put off by the use of endearments such as “babe” but I wasn’t. The casual tone was more encouraging for me and more like I was getting advice from a friend. Marie Forleo: Oh, my gosh, I love you so much. Yes. And I want to highlight, I want to underscore something that actually builds off this quite nicely. You wrote it on 64. “Your healing comes from having the courage to ask for what you authentically want regardless of what the other person does.” And I think that there’s so much in that especially for, for those of us who might be feeling just like we’re out in space in terms of boundaries like, “Whoa, how do I even get a grip on this?”

They disregard other people’s boundary. They feel they are entitled to your time, your attention and your care. and they are not concerned with reciprocity. These people are deeply contentious, reactive, sensitive, controlling and self absorb. Marie Forleo: Hey, it’s Marie Forleo and welcome to another episode of MarieTV and The Marie Forleo Podcast. If you’re someone who struggles with setting good boundaries, you’re going to love today’s episode. Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert. For over two decades, Terri has been working with clients and her special gift is taking complex psychological concepts and making them actionable and accessible. She inspires over a quarter million people each week through her courses, blog, and podcast, The Terri Cole Show. Her book, Boundary Boss, is available now.How to manage “Boundary Destroyers”―including emotional manipulators, narcissists, and other toxic personalities Marie Forleo: In this episode of MarieTV, we do have some adult language. So if you have little ones around, grab your headphones now. You have the right to voice your opinion even if others disagree. You have the right to be treated with respect, consideration, and care. You have the right to determine who has the privilege of being in your life.” Amen. “You have the right to communicate your boundaries, limits, and deal-breakers.” We’ll talk about that. “You have the right to prioritize your self-care without feeling selfish, and you have the right to talk true, be seen, and live free.” How to manage “Boundary Destroyers”—including emotional manipulators, narcissists, and other toxic personalities