Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy

Product Information

Sana Qadar: And is it possible to maintain a healthy and safe relationship with an emotionally immature parent? Lindsay Gibson: I would say that the most common impact that these parents have on their adult children is an underlying sense of emotional loneliness. This was something that people really reverberated with in the book. You know, I'm part of a family, I may even know that I'm loved, but oh my gosh, there must be something wrong with me because I feel so lonely. So that's the biggest characteristic. Mandy: Yes, absolutely, and I think sometimes that can create a false sense of intimacy with the abuser. Something that a lot of people don't realise is that abuse is actually a cycle. You know, these events will happen, these fights will happen and then there are phases of calm, phases of reconciliation, which is what keeps victims around. A lot of people think, well, it's not abuse because my parents are nice to me sometimes, and it's like, well, it doesn't mean there isn't a pattern of abuse happening and that there is a cycle there that is continuing.

Sana Qadar: That's clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson. She is also the author of the books Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. It is common for children of emotionally immature parents to have the fantasy that their parent will change and begin to love them and show concern. As an adult you might continue to believe this and try different things in hopes of eliciting a response from your parent that will make you feel validated, heard, and loved. It is tough to accept that at times, even with little fault of yours, it is you who would have to change your perspective or behaviour. It is you who have to respond in a different manner for things to be a bit more bearable and perhaps even favourable. In emotionally heightened situations, people can’t self-reflect and therefore have no way to grow. Instead, they are limited to blaming others and expecting others to change first. It is only natural to think this way. But this pattern of thought over a continued period of time leads to self disconnection and that is undesirable. Self-help books can be very healing. Especially when you are an adult and feel ashamed that you still haven’t healed from your childhood trauma. It’s okay to feel ashamed, by the way. Books can help you in a way that you don’t have to talk to someone physically to get help.

Sana Qadar: For Mandy, her mother's emotional volatility did cross the line into abuse, but it took her a while to fully understand and accept this. While we’ve made great strides in psychological research and treatment, many things remain a mystery. Take the tiny baby steps you need to start creating space and healthier boundaries. This a very active approach to redefining the relationship and getting the emotional space you need to grow and recover. 3. Learn to express, then let go. If so, maybe you should think about changing your goal because if it is focused on the other person, often we walk away feeling disappointed and frustrated.

Lindsay Gibson: Everything is a big deal, everything is a big reaction, they get exhausted from that, they exhaust the people around them, and people feel like they are walking on eggshells with them all the time. Mandy started grappling with the impact her parents had on her emotional development in her 20s, but for many of Lindsay's clients, it's often not until later in life that they start to process their childhoods.

Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy

Lindsay Gibson: And that's very scary. Without that giant, you cannot survive. And so fear of that parent's reactions is a very, very healthy survival mechanism for all children. Sure, we all get angry sometimes. But having a super short fuse and losing one’s temper at the drop of a hat is something to be worked on, not ignored. 10. Oversized Egos

Sana Qadar: The other dynamic Lindsay often sees is that children of emotionally immature parents end up feeling responsible for other people's emotions. It’s a defense mechanism, and people who do it are usually unaware of their tendency to project, which is toxic and can ruin relationships. 12. Don’t Validate Emotions Mandy: So in Brazil we have a tradition where we have a large party when somebody is 15 and they are coming in to be a woman et cetera, it's usually a very expensive party. I kept telling her, 'I really don't want to do this,' and she said, 'No, but I missing out on this experience.' And it was funny because it's very clearly a party that is not for the parent, it's for the child. And so she set up this whole party, did it all her own way. You know, that's not completely unhealthy in and of itself, but when you notice that in a pattern of behaviour, it becomes very interesting. Mandy: It's worth realising that you are deserving of having boundaries, you are deserving of that, even in situations that are not extreme. In the group we will sometimes joke around that it's not about playing trauma Olympics, it's not like, oh, but this person had more trauma so they are more deserving of boundaries. It's not a competition, nobody is trying to win by having more trauma. You are deserving of being respected as a person. Reading psychology books can help you gain new knowledge about yourself and your emotionally immature parents. It can also show you different perspectives of how other people deal with their emotionally immature parents.

They are trustworthy. You can inherently trust them. You can rely on them to be honest and truthful. They are dependable. Its one of the most important qualities in life. Drawing on the success of her popular self-help book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, author Lindsay Gibson offers yet another essential resource. With this follow-up guide, you'll learn practical skills to help you recognize the signs of an EIP, protect yourself against an emotional takeover, reconnect with your own emotions and needs, and gain emotional autonomy in all your relationships. This is a how-to book, with doable exercises and active tips and suggestions for what to say and do to increase emotional autonomy and self-awareness. The goal should be, with any exchange, is healthy and clear communication, being able to recognize and articulate your thoughts and feelings, and feel good about the outcome. This will help build your self-confidence and self-esteem and make you feel more in control of not only your feelings, but the situation and how you handled it.