How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

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Richo's argument that relationship dyanmics are a function of the 5 As (Acceptance, Allowing, Affection, Appreciation, Attention) are analogous to many of the other frameworks laid out in other books on mindfulness. This book ends up being long-winded, overly dense, and peppered with unnecessary quotes seemingly to make the author sound smart. Richo bases much of the book's arguments on shaky ground, relying on spiritual / new age mumbo jumbo. Freud is a constant presence in the book-- our current needs and disposition towards others are a direction function of our relationship with our parents during our childhood. Then there's the perpetuation of gender stereotypes; something about males being predisposed to violence and sadism due to the inherent fear of their anima, which is supposed to be their contrasexual spiritual energy. Or something like that. I was truly torn on how many stars to give. I would say that this book would be essential reading for anyone who's in or wants to be in a relationship, as there are a lot of gems in it. Unfortunately, to get to them, you have to be willing to slog through an inordinate amount of excess rhetoric. Where was the editor on this book?? We feel loved when we receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection, and when we are allowed the freedom to live in accord with our own deepest needs and wishes.” Building trust does not come over night. Trust is earned and it takes time. Never underestimate how easily trust can be broken by being dishonest. Being open-minded and welcoming to change is what helps a relationship blossom as the two of you combine your ways of life as you know it. Change is often referred to as “the spice of life” and can be a great source of growth for the two of you.

A successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” -Mignon McLaughlinThe book is a bit too wordy at times, and tends to go on at bit too much, but the message is brilliant. The author also writes from a mindfulness (Buddhist) perspective so there is a lot of spirituality mixed in, which I liked : )

A key message is that childhood experiences can affect our behavior in adulthood. This is because the needs of children, like attention and affection, aren’t always met by their parents. In fact, if a child’s needs are unmet they could grow up to be abusive partners later on. Lccn 2001055015 Ocr_converted abbyy-to-hocr 1.1.20 Ocr_module_version 0.0.17 Openlibrary OL8697663M Openlibrary_edition Remember that your partner is probably imperfect rather than acting from a truly bad intention. Two people of goodwill can have different perceptions of the exact same situation, and it's important to remember that each one is rooted in their own experiences. Support yourself so that you can be open to your partner's experience as well as your own. This can be difficult, but it’s an important part of taking responsibility for your actions and maintaining a healthy relationship. Balancing individuality and togetherness is essential for maintaining a healthy dynamic in the relationship. LSI Keyword: Independence in Adult Relationships 16. Seeking Professional Help: When to Consider Couples Therapyspirituality. In healthy intimate relationships we do not seek more than 25 percent of our nurturance from a partner; we learn to find the rest within ourselves.” Being empathetic and emotionally intelligent allows you to connect with others on a profound level. Understanding and validating their emotions create a sense of trust and intimacy in relationships. LSI Keyword: Emotional Connection in Adult Relationships 4. Conflict Resolution: Navigating Challenges Constructively Let them tell you in their own words. You aren’t a mind reader! And really, you can’t always assume you know what’s going on with your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together. If they seem like something is bothering them, don’t just let it slide and ignore it. Pay attention to any cues they’re giving you and ask them of they want to talk to you about what’s bothering them. [8] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW Admit when you are wrong, learn from it and move on together if you can. A relationship will falter when one party does not take responsibility for things they have done wrong. It is naïve and presumptuous; it assumes and espouses values and philosophies I disagree with (notably Buddhism and monogamy), the editorial work is moderately sloppy and inconsiderate, and the way the affirmations and theoretical premises are presented is often sanctimonious and poorly supported by the theory.

Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth. c) Being curious and inquisitive is another strength that can help someone be open to change. Those who are curious are always learning and growing, which helps them be better prepared for whatever changes come their way. Supporting each other’s dreams and aspirations creates a nurturing environment within the relationship. Encourage and uplift one another to achieve individual goals. LSI Keyword: Supportive Adult Relationships 8. Practicing Gratitude: Fostering Appreciation and PositivityThis article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida. Good relationships shape us and challenge us to grow. If you can learn to be open to change, it will help you transform into an adult in your relationship. As long as you hold onto wanting something from the outside, you will be dissatisfied because there is a part of you that you are still not totally owning. . . . How can you be complete and fulfilled if you believe that you cannot own this part [of yourself ] until somebody else does something? . . . If it is conditional, it is not totally yours. —A. H. ALMAAS” Instead of saying: "This relationship is hopeless. I'll never get what I need from you. I'm leaving."

Do your best to calm things down between you and your partner. It’s totally normal for couples to argue from time to time. But if an argument gets too emotional or angry, take it upon yourself to try to bring peace so you and your partner can effectively communicate. [6] X Research source It is important to be supportive of your partner. This is a way we show we care rather than just saying so, because, as you know, words are cheap. Actions are what matter the most. Being supportive is a powerful glue that holds people together. Practice patience. This is something we all need to work on, and be generous with the one you love! It does not necessarily reflect your partner's intention at that moment. In fact, in the case of intense and repetitively occurring feelings, this is probably not the case. Remember, these intense and repetitive feelings are usually deeply ingrained emotional body memories and sensate responses related to childhood trauma. Some people confuse attachment with love. We may feel attached to someone and imagine we love him; someone may be attached to us, and we imagine he loves us. But mindful love is bonding by commitment, not attachment by clinging. Being attached will immobilize us; love, on the other hand, helps us achieve a progressively effective and joyous evolution. We can also mistake dependency for connection. Insecure people may try to create a connection with us by fostering dependency through the offer of riches, humor, flattery, indebtedness, and so forth. The five A’s, especially allowing, offer the reliable alternative path.”Most people think of love as a feeling," says David Richo, "but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." In this book, Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships—one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and realistic person. Drawing on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness, How to Be an Adult in Relationships explores five hallmarks of mindful loving and how they play a key role in our relationships throughout life: Try to understand how they may be feeling. Put yourself in their shoes and can help give you more perspective about your relationship. Think about how something might make them feel or how a situation might be affecting them. Use their perspective to help inform your own decisions and behavior. [7] X Research source